Scribbling in the Dark
It’s 2 a.m. and it is the fifth night this week that I am wide awake.
My brain is drawing up all the “what ifs” as though on a giant sketch pad. A recent decision to serve meant possible negative consequences for myself.
I knew the Lord had led me to this choice and confirmed it by His help. I stepped out in faith and His grace was proven the moment I began to serve. Now days later, I lay awake turning all the possible repercussions that might be waiting for me…drowning in the “what ifs.”
Life is messy.
No matter how hard we try to maintain control and order, it is just a matter of time before chaos reigns again. Life is full of messes we made ourselves or made by others. Either way, the choices we make in those moments come with consequences. The outcome is never fully seen at the time of decision.
How do we live in the tension of unknowns?
Recently I’ve been studying the book of Job, a literary masterpiece of prose and poetry.
Job is a righteous man who is devoted to the Lord. Satan accuses him of only honoring God because of how God has blessed and protected him (Job 1:10). God’s response is to allow the Enemy to inflict suffering on Job’s life. He loses everything dear to him in a satanic avalanche of torment. Job is faced with the decision of how he will respond to his circumstances.
Anger – curse God and die (helpful suggestion from his wife!? See Job 2:9).
Self-analysis – you must have done something wrong (accusation from Job’s friends).
Mourn, lament, and worship (Job 1:20-22, 42:1-6).
From the beginning of the book the reader might think that its purpose is to answer the question of “Why God allows suffering?” But the book never answers that question. It challenges the reader to grapple with the deeper question: “Can God be trusted?”
As Job laments before the Lord in grief, the Almighty answers him:
“God takes him on a tour of the universe, reminding him that the world has order and beauty but it is also wild and dangerous. The problem of human suffering isn’t as simple as reward vs consequence. God’s world is much more complex than that, and he is holding aspects of the universe that we can’t even begin to comprehend. So while we do not always know why we suffer, we can bring our pain and grief to God and trust that he is wise and knows what he's doing. The book of Job invites us to trust God’s wisdom and character no matter our circumstances.”[1]
Tears come to my eyes at the thought that amid Job’s suffering, questions, and unknowns, God answers and satisfies by revealing Himself to him.
Then Job answered the LORD and said: “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. ‘Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.’ I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.”[2]
So, when it’s 2 a.m. and I’m drowning in fearful thoughts, and the mental sketch pad is full of the worst-case-scenario scribbles, I have to ask myself:
Has God led me to this place?
Can He be trusted with this?
Am I trusting Him with the outcome?
Do I believe He is too weak or small for this situation?
Job has set a beautiful example to me of deep trust in the Lord’s wisdom and character. Studying God’s Word has anchored my heart in so many seasons of questioning and suffering. He reveals to us who He is and His divine wisdom throughout the pages of Scripture. Every day I am able to sketch out a few more strokes of His person, filling in the portrait of His essence. An eternal acquisition that won’t be finished until I see Him face to face.
“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”[3]
Written by Kori, LIFE staff
What “what ifs” are you wrestling with?
Do you trust Him enough to hand them over to Him and trust Him with the outcome?
Will you trust Him even if the outcome isn’t what you wanted?
Endnotes:
[1] https://bibleproject.com/explore/video/job/.
[2] Job 42:1-6 (emphasis mine).
[3] Isaiah 26:3 (emphasis mine).